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«  July 2019  »

Yo Mama So Ugly

Yo mama so fat she got Baptised at Sea World.

Yo mama so stupid she tried to alphabetise a bag of M&M's.

Your mama so ugly she makes Onions cry.

Yo moma so poor, the burglars break in and leave money.

Yo moma's like a Chewing Gum machine - 5 pence per blow.

Your moma got more crack than Harlem.

Yo mommas so dirty, she turned the local swimming baths into the dead sea.

Yo momma's so scary, she frightens the cockroaches away.

Your momma so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

she put the Boogie man outta business.

she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

she was a guard at Snake Mountain

they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

her shadow gave up.

people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs sh*t themselves.

Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

Yo mama's so ugly, hold got a mirror handy???

Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

Yo Mama So Stupid

I told her drinks were on the she went and got a ladder...

she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor' she just did!

it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

she invented a silent car alarm.

that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

she lost her shadow.

she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'

Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...

Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'

Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...

Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...

Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama

Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the he moved house...

Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.

Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets

Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...

Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman

Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed

Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'

Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail

Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!

Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod

Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...

Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope

Your Mama So Fat

when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

small objects orbit her.

she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

she could be the eighth continent.

she nearly put Safeway out of business

the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

her fave food is seconds.

her belt size is Equator.

she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

she shows up on radar.

she needs a map to find her butt.

she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

she wears an asteroid belt.

her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

she has TB ... 2 bellys.

she's once, twice, three times a lady.

she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

the circus use her as a trampoline

stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

she deep fries her toothpaste.

Anything Yo's - So Fat...

Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.

Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American

Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"

Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...

Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.

Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!

Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing

Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces

Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.

Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick

Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.

Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years

Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'

You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry

Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.

Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling

Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.

Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
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